Sasuke Troubles and Extra
by chattingbox
Summary: Sasuke meets a once in a lifetime fangirl. Of course Itachi and Gai have no idea what’s going on, and Kakashi's milking cows while Naruto runs screaming like a chicken without a head. And Sakura? Haha, good luck! [crackfic]


Disclaimer: … I feel sad. I don't own Naruto nor do I own the Akatsuki. Now can we get on to it now that you've ruined my dream?

Summary: Sasuke meets a fan girl who (doesn't try to rip his shirt off for once) gives a very helpful tip. Of course Itachi and Gai have no idea what's going on, and Kakashi is starting to wonder how Naruto managed to become genin. (crack fic) (Slight ItaKisa, SasuSaku, DeiTobi)

Note/Rant: This is an AU so don't like don't click. This story was based off of the English dub. The voices may be horrible, but it's really funny if you look up Gai's and Itachi's voice actor on wikipedia. Seriously, when I first saw it I was laughing like hell froze over. Then I froze in shock for about two minutes.

'I'm'-normal speech

'_Sorry_'-thoughts/or emphasis

'**Dei- chan'-**Inners

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"Oi, oi! Kakashi-sensei!" ,yelled a particular hyper, orange-clad ninja.

Kakashi looked up from his favorite scene in Icha Icha Paradise. Naruto better have a good question that wasn't about ramen. For porn's sake, he was at the part where little kids were being run over. _Being run over, DAMN IT! _

"Yes, Naruto? What is it?"

"Where do babies come from?"

Kakashi's world suddenly spun, so Kakashi _must_ have misheard it. Of course Kakashi misheard it. Naruto couldn't possibly have asked_ that_ question…

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei you don't look so good… are you alright?"

Kakashi's lone eye glazed over, and stared at Naruto, and Kakashi asked, "Just tell me…what exactly did you ask me? I didn't hear it the first time."

Naruto stumbled back at the intensity of the stare, and shot back, "Sheesh, I only asked you why ninjas always shout out the name of their jutsus in battle. I mean… I thought ninjas weren't supposed to shout things out like that, and give surprise attacks!"

Oh…well that was a relief. Kakashi let out a breath before he passed out. Naruto really was stupid to ask that question in the first place. '_And to think he lives in a village of NINJAS.' _

**Kakashi's Inner self snickered. This was going to be fun.**

"Duh, it's supposed to enhance our super, awesome, coolness in battle."

Now, Naruto looked like he didn't know whether to burst out laughing, and telling Kakashi-sensei that he was crazy. The outcome of that was to look as if he were constipated.

"Err… Kakashi-sensei… don't people get killed like that?"

"Yes, but we look cool when we say it so it doesn't matter."

Naruto edged away from Kakashi nervously… _Ninjas shout out their jutsus so we look cool!_ Geez, Naruto wasn't a genius, but he wasn't a complete idiot.

Naruto sighed. It didn't make any sense, but at least it was something. Usually, Kakashi just ignored him or poofed out so Naruto would leave him alone. Kakashi-sensei was definitely a cool ninja, but as a teacher he _really_ sucked at teaching.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei… so if you couldn't say the name of the jutsu would a shinobi survive?"

"No duh, the shinobi would kill themselves."

'_Okay… Kakashi-sensei's on drugs, and Sakura-chan isn't here neither is Sasuke-teme…I'm going home. It's not like we did anyone turned up today, either.'_

Naruto started to walk towards the village before asking Kakashi, "Kakashi-sensei, by any chance do you know where Sakura-chan and Sasuke-teme are today?"

"Huh? Oh, last I checked Sakura was kidnapped by Sasuke so they could have…" Kakashi paused momentarily to cough, and Naruto being the adorable idiot he is jumped to conclusions.

"_What?? Sakura-chan wait for me I'll rescue you!"_ With that being said, Naruto ran as fast as he could towards the Uchiha residence.

"Aa… I can't believe Naruto fell for the oldest trick in the book." Kakashi's lone eye scanned the surroundings, and he shrugged. He was left alone with his favorite book, and had gotten rid of his only annoyance.

_Nice._

--

--

"_Damn it all!"_

Sasuke was being chased by a mob of fan girls after they found out he got a new outfit. He thought that he heard one yelling out to the crowd to tear his clothes off. Sasuke shuddered. Sasuke didn't have time for receiving more disturbing memories. He had to kill Itachi and revive the clan!

Sasuke was contemplating on whether to use his Sharingan to use the speed he copied off of Lee or not, but it would drain his chakra drastically. Right now it looked like he had no choice. Sasuke was getting desperate because for some reason his fan club kept popping up somewhere.

"_Sharingan!_"

Sasuke sped up, and ran all the way to his house locking the door. By the time he unactivated his Sharingan he was panting from chakra exhaustion. He saw a girl sitting on his couch in the living room. _Wait! A girl in his living room? The stalkers have caught up!_

"What do you damn stalkers want with me??" Sasuke was close to forming a permanent twitch in his right eye. That can't be good for the sharingan...

Sasuke turned on the lights, and saw that it was a blonde girl dressed in a purple cloak that looked similar to whom? The girl seemed awfully familiar though…

Sasuke frowned as he tried to remember the name. "Ino…no… a man... what's his name... Deidara?… hmmm…"

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--

Some place far, far away Deidara sneezed when he was on his clay bird, and Tobi whacked him on the back and asked if he was okay. Unfortunately, that was the very moment when Deidara flew off the bird, and landed in quicksand.

"Damn you, Tobi, un! I'll fucking murder you in your sleep, un!"

"Deidara-senpai, you shouldn't say things like that! You're becoming Hidan-san!"

"I don't care, un! Get me out of this damn hole before I show you my art in person, un!"

"B-but senpai!"

"Any time before I _drown in mud, UN?"_

Deidara was almost up to his nose in quicksand now, and thought venomously, '_If I ever find that person who was talking about me I'll strangle them, un!'_

--

--

Another place, far, far away, Ino sneezed while fighting off a horde of her own fan boys. When Ino sneezed she let down her defense, and allowed the fan boys to get to her.

Ino thought, '_What the hell have we been training for? Lets go kick their asses!'_

**Ino's treacherous Inner Self thought afterwards**_**, 'Yeah, then we can beat up the person who cursed us with this terrible luck in the first place!'**_

--

--

The blonde haired girl replied back to Sasuke with a very unnaturally calm demeanor, "No, I am not any of those people."

Sasuke clenched his fist. This girl had guts talking to him like that.

"I just want you to know that… I AM A TOTAL FAN OF NARUTO!!"

'_Oh god, I got an insane lunatic inside my house…that is a fan of… that dobe??? Ok… relax… OH GOD I CAN'T RELAX!! THE DOBE ACTUALLY HAS A FAN BESIDES HINATA!!'_

The girl raised an eyebrow as Sasuke was starting to hyperventilate, and decided that this time she would explain, but not after seeing Sasuke writh on the floor like a total moron for at least two minutes. Neverthless you could tell that girl didn't like Sasuke.

"Eh… What I meant was that I am a fan of the _show,_ Naruto."

"What? The dobe actually has his own show?"

"Yep."

"By any chance am I the main character?"

"Nope."

"Damn you people."

"Complain to Masashi Kishimoto like the rest of us for a hundred couple of years. You aren't the only one."

Sasuke fumed for a few more seconds after regaining his breath. It was pretty hard to look like he didn't care when he was red in the face from oxygen deprivation. It was also pretty hard to accept that Naruto had his own show, but life goes on for the lone Uchiha survivor.

Sasuke paused before asking, "So… what the hell are you doing in my house?"

"I just wanted to tell you that Gai's Seiyū is also Itachi's Seiyū. So they share the same voice so if one gets killed the over one loses their voice! " Exclaimed the mysterious blonde girl. Then she started coughing and said something about an English dub.

"Hmmm… Interesting… then one would lose voice therefore losing their super awesome power to look cool while they battle…leading to… "

"Well it was fun talking to you! Bye!"

With those words said the girl jumped out of a three story window, and was never seen again in Konoha.

'_Hmmm… I can use this to my advantage… using Gai and killing Itachi, SHANARO! … What the hell… Must be Sakura rubbing off of me. I knew I shouldn't have stolen all of her shampoo and used it on my hair. Hn. Too late now.'_

--

--

"You… twitched. Was that a good twitch or a bad one?"

Itachi looked at Kisame with a look of utter terror that ran in the Uchiha family… of course in that sense there would be no difference between in, but if anyone actually cared it would be the fan girls. _Those poor, poor fan girls._

Kisame wore a confused expression on his face, and shrugged. Itachi would probably crawl into his bed later whispering something about wanting a shark plushie. Now that was creepy. Kisame shuddered violently as he started to have a very unwanted flashback.

Kisame sweat dropped as he saw Itachi get out his uber special nail polish that he only used when utterly terrified. Damn it, Itachi _was_ going to crawl into his bed tonight.

'_I wonder if Rei-sama would let us trade partners. Hell, Tobi looks like a good partner compared to Itachi.'_

--

--

Deidara panted as he finally managed to explode apart the sand, lifting him up into the air so Tobi could catch him. Unfortunately, _again_, Deidara and Tobi both sneezed at the exact same time, and Tobi didn't catch him, but crashed into him.

On the bed of sand he was slowly sinking into, he reached for the explosive clay he kept in a pouch just to find it wasn't there. Deidara was close to tears. Why did this happen to him? What in the world did he do to deserve Tobi?

'_I must have done something horrible in a past life to be partners with Tobi. I knew I should have just killed myself like a normal suicidal person instead of joining the Akatsuki. Damn my fetishes for caves.'_

--

--

"_Sharingan!"_

Sasuke made sure that he had his Sharingan on, and went towards a sleeping Gai, and froze. Gai was mumbling something about 'Youth Sparkles' and 'I love you, Lee'. Sasuke shuddered. Gai was in great need of a therapist.

Sasuke twitched as he saw Gai reaching for his arm with puckered lips, and wondered if killing Gai wasn't doing the world a favor. Sure Lee would cry, but who in their right minds would actually care?

Sasuke merely put a poison on everything in Gai's fridge that would make him mute for the rest of his life, but it was alright. The world could do without him shouting out stuff about youth. Maybe even Lee would stop then, and pretend to be mute as well. Hmmm, an interesting thought.

Sasuke leapt out of Gai's window with an evil cackle, waiting for Gai to drink his apple juice in the morning.

--

--

_"Yawn"_

Sasuke glared sleepily at Gai who was snoring away in his bed murmuring disturbing things that Sasuke would no doubt have nightmares about. Sasuke twitched ever so slightly, and all of a sudden Gai sat up nearly giving Sasuke a heart attack.

Gai turned his head side to side making sure no one was there, and with robotic movements Gai stood up giving Sasuke the pleasure of seeing a full moon. Needless to say, Sasuke was scarred for life with the information that Gai liked to sleep naked. Sasuke twitched when he remembered borrowing Gai's blanket to smother Naruto with. _Damn it! _He had actually touched it!

Sasuke was on the brink of losing consciousness when he opened his eyes again to see Gai dressed, and reaching for his daily apple juice. Sasuke wondered how Gai managed to dress in his garments so fast, and sweat dropped as he remembered the lecture about the power of youth can do anything.

'**HELL YEAH! Now Itachi's gonna die, and I finally will have avenged the clan!'**

'_What the heck? Where did that voice just come from? What ever must be my imagination.'_

Sasuke shook his head violently, and peered through the window to see Gai drinking hefty amounts of the juice. Not good. For once, why couldn't Gai be a normal person, and not drink gallons of poisoned apple juice? Oh wait. Sasuke put in the poison. At this rate Gai might actually die. Oh well. What happens, happens.

'**Hey, I'm your Inner. Not a freaking voice your imagination made up. That is if you even have one. Betcha can't even picture your grandma naked.'**

'_Alright, Sasuke.' This is one of the first steps to madness. _Breathe_ in. Breath out.'_ Sasuke nearly hyperventilated at the thought of his grandma naked. God if there was a cure for killing an imaginary voice he'd do it no matter what the cost. Just leave his grandma out of it.

'**Uh… ok maybe you do have one, but… LISTEN TO ME! Gai is unconscious, and he lost his voice so HURRY, AND KILL ITACHI ALREADY DAMN IT!!'**

'_What the hell? Maybe I really need some of that medication that Kakashi was saying was working wonders for him…hmmm…'_

Shrugging, Sasuke skipped off, humming something that sounded remarkably like the Doom song and 'Itachi's gonna die'. Nah. Couldn't be that.

Somewhere within to Konoha, a young, Sharingan endowed man (No… it wasn't Sasuke. _Not Sasuke._) repeatedly sneezed while trying to fight against Naruto, but because of the tears blurring his eyes and losing his uber cool voice… uh and… he was near death. Then Naruto abandoned him yelling, _'SUCKER, 'tebayo!'_. Kisame… he got a job at Wave country as an illegal shark hunter. Irony sucks ass.

--

--

Sasuke skipped off to the Uchiha Estate, only to find Itachi drowning in a pool of his own blood. Sasuke yelled weird things about avenging the clan, fluffy bunnies, and tomatoes for about ten minutes, and Itachi's ear bled. Finishing his speech of D00M, Sasuke finished it off with the Chidori.

"Hmmm..." Sasuke looked back at the bloody mess that was once Itachi. "Now that Itachi's taken care of…" Sasuke cackled evilly. Not the cheesy evil villain laugh. _The _evil laugh. _"Time to have hot, steamy sex!" _Cough. Of course it was just to revive his clan. Yeah. Reviving the clan.

Suddenly for some odd reason Sasuke gets caught in a whirlwind and ends up in the Uchiha compound with Sakura gagged up and ready to go. Hehehe.

Sasuke pounced on Sakura undoing the mouth gag, "Now we revive the clan"

"For the love of god, _WE ARE TWELVE_!", Sakura screeched.

Sasuke frowned. She looked terrible when she screamed like that. Easily remedied.

Sasuke muffled her lips with a kiss, and came up for breath after about three minutes. Sakura twitched when his hands came farther down than the normal comfort level allowed.

"_IYATTA!!" _

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A/N: Oh yes I'm evil. I'm also afraid this is unbeta'd cause… I need a beta. Yeah… Also, I left enough room for your imagination to eh… (for lack of better word) Imagine. Yeah. Go imagine. I also left you a little present. Heheh.

I didn't write a lemon or any limes cause… well that's simple. I'm freaking 12-15 years old. Yeah. Underage, hello?

And on a separate note... NO. I was NOT the blonde girl. She was made up. Fictional character. OC. Got it?

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_**-Omake-**_

The next day, Kakashi went to the training grounds with his nose stuck inside his precious little orange book. He put on the one eyed smile, and sucked in his breath.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry that I was late today. I had to go milk the cows in my backyard, and one of them ran away."

Pause. No comment?

"_Hey guys, I'm sorry that I was late today. I had to go milk the cows in my backyard, and one of them ran away."_

Alright what the heck is going on? Kakashi looked up.

"Hmm…"

No team, tumbleweed tumbled by, but no team. Not a single trace of them. Maybe he had gotten here early? Eh, who knows? It was extremely unlikely, but what the heck? If they weren't here they soon would be. Probably.

Kakashi sat down on a bench, and began to reread his favorite orange book for the hundred millionth time because it was just that good. That and if he moved from this place before they got here they would bully him for the rest of the week. Why a Monday?

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--

Meanwhile, Sasuke and Sakura were engaged in the horizontal tango on the bed, and other juicy stuff I can't tell you.

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Again, meanwhile, Naruto was in Grass country milking cows for some strange reason because a Grass nin caught him screaming for Sakura-chan, and he didn't have his passport which resulted in Grass and Leaf allying itself (somehow…) Tsunade should pick him up sometime around Wednesday. God life sucked.


End file.
